Friday 25 November 2016

Day 4 - Anxiety





"Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.[4] It is often accompanied by muscular tension,[3] restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.[3]" Wikipedia


It is nearing the end of my probationary period in work.  I have experienced the last few months at times with difficulty, 
as the work load is large and it is extremely busy, all of the time.  I have been anxious at times, and there are moments
where I feel like I could just walk out the door.  On the whole I believe that I am doing ok, although no one has said, they
only mention when I don't complete a task effectively enough, now it stands to reason that if I am busy, by association 
they are busy also, really there is no time for errors. 

Now who am I in this environment?  I am used to being busy, and generally I am happy when it is busy, because I get 
into a groove, and usually I am more productive when the work is flowing.  But today I was sweating, and felt very uptight
in my body, and I have realised that this is quite a common way of being for me, a common 'state of mind'

Anxiety is a negative word as I see it,

Anx I ety
Anxious
Angst


Self forgiveness on Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of anxiety, expecting the worst.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I will make mistakes and within this be surprised
when I don't.

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am going to be reprimanded
by my manager for doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bounce from the polarity of feeling positive, by talking myself
up, to then sinking into a depression of not being good enough, without seeing realising and understanding how I am 
creating a polarity play-out in my reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am the only one 
that makes mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my back chat within me to be negative in nature.

I forgive myself that 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word anxiety as a state of mind, as who I am, in 
paranoia of the future moments coming my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow physical discomfort in my body in the form
of sweating and being uptight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as buzzing/fizzing inside of myself in a form 
of stress and tension, and within this I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I'am putting myself
into a state of preparedness, expecting the worst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in the others shoes and within this see how they would
be annoyed with me, because I have fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me, without seeing/realising and
understanding that perhaps the instructions from the other were not completely clear, and within this I missed a point
or two.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step up and ask for more clarification, for fear or 
looking stupid, as I have created in my minds eye. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am useless and within this put myself into 
a state of anxiety, and worry about how I am seen by others, specifically in the working environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid that others are talking about me behind my
back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-live the memory as a state of being-ness of being the odd
one out, or the one that is not as good as others at understanding simple instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and within this punish myself with back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequence within and as my physical body as anxiety
and nervousness, as a point of anxiety. 

I see/realise and understand how I am making my job harder for the most part, because I am in a state of anxiety. 

When and as I experience myself as stressed and going into a form of anxiety - I stop immediately and I breathe and I 
remind myself to slowdown within and as the breath.  I commit myself to keep flagging these moments that come up within
and as me - often times as a physical symptom of my state of mind.  I commit myself to see that by state of mind, I mean
a pattern of behaviour that has become a living pattern as anxiety, where I don't automatically see it in my words and 
back chat, because I have allowed it to be so much a part of me, that it is missed as a normal condition to be in.  However,
I commit myself to let my body by my guide, and my flag point of when the anxiety is within and as me, and my allow 
my body to show me , by really paying attention to that which exists as anxiety manifest as a physical tension, as sweating
or being tight and tense within and as me.   I commit myself to, at this point, stop and breathe and forgive that which is 
coming up.  

I commit myself to give myself more credit and stop being so negative to and towards myself as someone that is not as good 
as others, and to remind myself that sometimes mistakes are not all my fault alone, and that at times there is a break
down in communication, and within this my responsibility is to be clear within and as myself when I am communicating
with others. 













Monday 21 November 2016

Day 3 - The Accommodating Competitor - Part 2 (comparison)


Another point of competition that comes up within me is the point of competition with other females, and how I perceive myself when I am with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women. Specifically those in my age bracket.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my partners exes and within this look for similar points within them to copy, or make a point of, because within this I have created a belief that I am not good enough, without seeing/realising and understanding that I am the one that he is with at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my face and the specifics of my face, like my nose, eyes, mouth, face shape to others, and within this find an acceptable face in a magazine that I have created a belief around as attractive, and within this secretly 'wish' that I looked like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those as 'stupid' that have cosmetic surgery, without seeing how deep the programming within them goes, and how it would be very easy for me to consider if I had the money, that there are points within me that I may consider changing.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that within the stupid judgement I am in fact judging myself as stupid, for having comparison thoughts, within myself, instead of taking it easy and investigating where the thoughts come from and forgiving them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am getting old and within this I will no longer be acceptable in this reality because I will be an 'old person'  I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am in fact creating a belief within and as me that over a certain age one is over the hill, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am 'too fat'  that the version of myself in this moment is not good, that I look flabby and within this go into fear of showing certain parts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to women of the same height and within this judge my weight by their weight for their height, and within this assume that the is an acceptable format.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accommodate my mind as the directive principle of how I should look, and within this what is acceptable based on my own opinion/attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fend off ageing with expensive products, instead of seeing the simplicity of just stopping the thoughts/back chat and programming within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the mainstream media images of what is considered perfect and acceptable and within this attempt to emulate those models that I see on the pages of magazines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete for anothers affections, by making myself more visible as I have seen it, and going 'over the top' to please, to remain in their favour,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that my voice is annoying others, and within this try to change to suit them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that my look is not good enough for others and within this try to change to suit them, and what they perceive as acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that I have to be a certain way for others to accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up others on social media and compare myself to them, and within this look for flaws within and as them to make me feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflict discomfort and stress onto my body, through not accepting and allowing who I am and how I look.

When and as I experience myself as going into comparison and looking at  images of others and creating a belief within and as myself that I am not acceptable, I commit myself to slow myself down within and as my breath. And to re-MIND myself that I am going into old patterned behaviour of comparison within and as me, and within this how I look will never be acceptable, in my minds eye (I),  because I have created a belief within and as me that I am not perfect compared to images of others, and I commit myself to re- MIND myself this is a NO win situation, one that I will never be satisfied with, as it is based on judgement and opinion.   I commit myself to accept myself, as I am, regarding how I look and sound, and that within this I am a product of my parents,ancestry and DNA and this I cannot change, unless I spend a great deal of money, of which I am not going to do, so I look how I look.  I commit myself to remind myself that the bits that I can change in how my face ages and changes is my mind, in how I experience myself as inferior, and within this

I commit myself to keep forgiving and release all judgement that come up within and as me, to and towards others and myself.

I commit myself to see/realise and understand how I am creating competition within and as myself in that I am fighting for my supremacy in this world, as wanting to be a popular being, one that is admired and accepted for how I look, instead of seeing how I am creating the very opposite because I am resonating how I see/feel about myself out there, and within this it is how I will be perceived.

I see/realise and understand how when I am not happy about how I look, and within this I tell myself that I am having a bad hair day, fat day, ugly day.  I hold my body in tight positions where I am trying to maintain the best side of myself, or I will keep fiddling with my hair, or checking in a mirror to see how I look.  I see/realise and understand how when I am relaxed and comfortable within myself I project that image of myself out there, and within this I get compliments and told how well I look.





Tuesday 15 November 2016

Day 2 - The Accommodating Competitor - Part one.

In this post I am going to be looking at how I live the word competitive:

competitive
kəmˈpɛtɪtɪv/Submit
adjective
1.
relating to or characterized by competition.
"a competitive sport"
synonyms: ruthless, merciless, aggressive, fierce; More
2.
as good as or better than others of a comparable nature.
"a car industry competitive with any in the world"

I also want to look at the word accommodating, and how the two words are interchangeable - I see realise and understand when opening up the word accommodating, that there is a part of me that is competitive, that within being accommodating there is an element of competition that exists within and as me, and I hadn't seen this until today.

I have never seen myself as a competitive person, but when I asked myself " who am I within and as the word accommodating"  I have seen how I want to be better than the next person, to gain some kind of recognition as the best, number one, within what I do.

It is interesting how most of my reactions/back chat/characters come up when I am at work.  I do the same job as three others, and within this I am fairly new. But today I saw how I was becoming 'super helpful'  not just to be helpful, but to show that I am more 'accommodating' than the others, and within this I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the 'best' and most reliable at what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a belief to the word accommodating that if I am 'superhelpful' I will be seen as a good person, some one that others come to because I am reliable in my stance of being of accommodating, when secretly I see/realise and understand how I am looking for some kind of attention and within this wanting to be seen as the best of all of us doing the same job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fish for compliments from others, by being the first to put my hand up, because I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the best, and within this they will tell me so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that  I am not competitive and within this I am just a helpful person, without seeing and realising the 'dark side' of myself as a competitor, where I will step on others at times to get where I think I will be seen as the 'best'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand how I am actually keeping information to myself ( that could be supportive to others ) in showing how I do something, because within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have 'something extra in my arsenal, that they don't have' so this extra information gives me the 'edge'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play games with others as a competitor, where I will test out my opponent to see how worthy they are, by pushing buttons, and seeing if I can get a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to get others on my side, by paying them compliments, and within this I have created a belief that they will like me more than the others.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood, how this competitive dark side exists within and as me, and how I have been hiding it, and lying to myself by telling myself that it is just me " an accommodating person" that likes to help.  When in actuality I am being accommodating to gain something from another as acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of saying no, in case I am not asked again, and within this I will be bottom of the list, and therefore not a winner in my eyes.

To be continued.....


Sunday 13 November 2016

Day 1 - Accountability


Here in this blog I am going to be walking my re-definition of words, to become living words, words that I stand by, that represent what is best for all.

Accountability:

The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

"lack of accountability has corroded public respect for business and political leaders"
synonyms: responsibility, liability, answerability
"there must be clear accountability for the expenditure of public money"
answerability, responsibility, reporting, obedience
"ministers' accountability to parliament"

antonyms: unaccountability the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.
"lack of accountability has corroded public respect for business and political leaders"

synonyms: responsibility, liability, answerability
"there must be clear accountability for the expenditure of public money"
answerability, responsibility, reporting, obedience
"ministers' accountability to parliament"
antonyms: unaccountability

How have I lived the word accountable, what has it represented to me in my life?

I remember as a child being told that I was very "grown up for my age, very responsible" my friends parents thought I was "such a nice girl, a good choice for their sons and daughters to be associated with.  I felt pleased with this analysis of myself, and I did my very best to embody and live up to the responsibility that I had been so gratefully entrusted with.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am supposed to be the accountable one, that one that looks after everyone else and takes responsibility very seriously, to the point that I am the one that everyone is looking at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a proud moment within myself when my friends Mothers would tell me I was a "good girl, very responsible" and within this make a vow to them that I would assume responsibility for my friends in my company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for this kind of compliment and acknowledgement from others, because my own Mother would tell me that I was irresponsible and unable to look after myself properly, so within this I forgive myself for not seeing realising and understanding how I am completely embodying this point of responsibility for others as something to be proud of, to make me feel better about myself in moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to; when things 'go wrong' in my environment, immediately look to see how I was to blame in someway, and within this go into an automation of taking responsibility for the problem, as mine.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood how in fact I am placing responsibility outside of myself, in a way to avoid being my own self responsibility and looking at how I can take more care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others before me, without considering how it would effect me in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to become frustrated and annoyed when others don't give me the same consideration as I give them, as I have seen it in my minds eye.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that I am 'responsible' for me, and me alone, and unless the being is a child or needs care and attention, because they cannot provide it for themselves, I commit myself to see that I am not their keeper.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood, that when I am in protection mode, looking out for others, as being the responsible one, I rob them of the opportunity to make their own choices/mistakes.  I see realise and understand that I cannot, save/assist/help everyone.

I commit myself to place responsibility at my own feet, to embody self responsibility, so that I am able to completely take care of and look after myself, not disregarding others in anyway, but within this I commit myself to see/realise and understand that when I take care of myself and come from a place of self responsibility I will always do what is best for me/them/all.

I commit myself to look at the bigger picture, and see how sometimes when I am accountable for others and their mistakes, in a way to protect them, I am not only robbing them of a moment to discover themselves and who they are, I am infact trying to give myself some validation that I am a good person, a saviour of some sort.  I commit myself to see realise and understand how the words responsible and accountability are interchangeable, and when I live as a point of true accountability I will only be responsible for myself.

My redefinition of the word accountability and one I commit myself to live by:

Being responsible for oneself, in how one is in thought word and deed has an outflow, and within this being accountable is making sure that one always does what is best for all.