Day 13 - Defender

defend
/dɪˈfɛnd/
verb
1.
to protect (a person, place, etc) from harm or danger; ward off an attack on
2.
(transitive) to support in the face of criticism, esp by argument or evidence
3.
to represent (a defendant) in court in a civil or criminal action

Introspection

I am going to look at a really old memory here, one where as a child I was bullied and taunted for what I was wearing and how I looked.  Within this memory that I have hidden deep within me, there are what I can only describe as 'tentacles' of information that reach out into my every day life and how I conduct myself, and within this how I have defined myself as as defender or the defendant.

Memory  -  a few points

•  School trip to Germany
•  Wearing a new coat that my parents had bought me
•  Having my name sewn in to the inside where everyone could see
•  Another laughing at me when I boarded the coach
•  Made me feel small, because he had brought attention to the name in the coat, and now  everyone was laughing.
•  Then they started to pick on how I looked, my nose in particular
•  Hiding at the back of the coach on my own under my coat crying as they threw food at me
•  Wanting to go home
•  Feeling stuck
•  Frightened
•  Sad
•  Annoyed
•  Wanting to just run away
•  Acting like nothing was wrong later in the day
•  Pretending that I wasn't crying under my coat
•  Trying to be strong

As I re-live this memory there is sadness, and I can see that for all of these years I have not faced how I experienced myself on this day.  The shame that I have hidden from myself, and how I have conditioned myself as someone that is not worthy and ugly and uncool, based on just a few choice words from my school peers.   

Forgiveness/Walking out of the Pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress a memory of being bullied when I was on a school trip, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the memories that are coming up, and within this not want to face or talk about them, because I am ashamed of how I reacted on that day, because I didn't stand up for myself and within this I allowed the words that they used to penetrate and define me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful that I didn't stand up for myself and instead take all the comments made personally, so much so that they became of part of me, and I created a definition of myself as someone that can not defend themselves, because I have created a belief within and as me that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the role of defender, where by I will attempt to protect others from their own feelings and emotions, by walking a tight rope of caution of what I say to them, and within this choose my words carefully, so not to offend, as I have seen it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and within this create a belief within and as myself that my opinions and ideas do not matter, and that within this no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a victim character, and dwell in the belief that I am not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative image about how I look and how my nose is shaped, and within this cringe at times when I see myself in certain angles on photographic images. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of myself as someone that is not acceptable/worthy/lacking/ need defending in someway, based on one memory from childhood, that I suppressed and allowed to define me as who I am today, in how I experience myself in everyday situations, especially work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put others first, to the detriment of myself as someone that is not important, and that within this idea, I have created a belief that it is my 'role' in life to take care of others, and stand up for them, because I didn't stand up for myself in that moment on the coach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that to cry is a weakness, and that within this showing that weakness leaves one vulnerable to others and open to attack, so I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am in fact creating the defender character, and shutting myself down as a form of self defence, so that I won't be seen or hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that if I just suppress and hide how I am feeling, there will be no consequence to my actions, and how I feel will just disappear and go away, without seeing realising and understand how I am creating the very thing I am afraid of as being bullied, by bullying myself into self blame and victimisation, because I have defined myself by words used by another.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and except anothers words as an excuse of "they must be jealous of me" -  and within this accept the bullying as a normal form of behaviour because I have accepted how they are as I see it in my minds eye. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand how I am creating a defence mechanism, by taking the attention away from me, by focusing on others and their issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, and actually attack myself by putting myself in this state of being, through living out the pattern of defender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, in my mind, in back chat and spitefulness of my words to and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up, because I did not 'stand up' to the bullies on that day on the school trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by anothers words, about how I look, specifically my nose and the shape of it, and within this not see it as desirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim, as someone that needs defending from the harshness of this world, as I have defined it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and that within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have to always be 'on guard' so to speak, by putting myself in a state of defence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge myself energetically through doing good things to help others, so that I may feel better about myself.

I commit myself to slow myself down in each breath, to be gentle with myself and remind myself that I am life, any emotions/feelings that come up, I forgive each and everyone in each and every moment, that I do not go into a form of self punishment, whereby I am hard on myself, for having the feelings and emotions in the first place, and instead I commit myself to look at them and see why they are still coming up, and write them out so that I can see any patterns and memories that may still reside within me as a part of who I have accept and have allowed myself to be.  Instead I commit myself to walk slowly but surely through each moment by forgiving and letting go, and not allowing myself to  return to the point of self victimisation.  I commit myself to see/realise and understand that when I am clear within and as myself, my need to defend myself and others will no longer exist, and then within this I will support in a way that is best for all, including myself.

I commit myself to re-define the word defender, and to live the word defender, as someone that stands in complete self honesty of support towards themselves, and within this is able to stand within and as support for others, as a point of clarity and understanding, with not emotional and feeling attachments to memories.