Day 2 - The Accommodating Competitor - Part one.

In this post I am going to be looking at how I live the word competitive:

competitive
kəmˈpɛtɪtɪv/Submit
adjective
1.

relating to or characterized by competition.
"a competitive sport"
synonyms: ruthless, merciless, aggressive, fierce; More
2.
as good as or better than others of a comparable nature.
"a car industry competitive with any in the world"

I also want to look at the word accommodating, and how the two words are interchangeable - I see realise and understand when opening up the word accommodating, that there is a part of me that is competitive, that within being accommodating there is an element of competition that exists within and as me, and I hadn't seen this until today.

I have never seen myself as a competitive person, but when I asked myself " who am I within and as the word accommodating"  I have seen how I want to be better than the next person, to gain some kind of recognition as the best, number one, within what I do.

It is interesting how most of my reactions/back chat/characters come up when I am at work.  I do the same job as three others, and within this I am fairly new. But today I saw how I was becoming 'super helpful'  not just to be helpful, but to show that I am more 'accommodating' than the others, and within this I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the 'best' and most reliable at what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a belief to the word accommodating that if I am 'superhelpful' I will be seen as a good person, some one that others come to because I am reliable in my stance of being of accommodating, when secretly I see/realise and understand how I am looking for some kind of attention and within this wanting to be seen as the best of all of us doing the same job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fish for compliments from others, by being the first to put my hand up, because I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the best, and within this they will tell me so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that  I am not competitive and within this I am just a helpful person, without seeing and realising the 'dark side' of myself as a competitor, where I will step on others at times to get where I think I will be seen as the 'best'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand how I am actually keeping information to myself ( that could be supportive to others ) in showing how I do something, because within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have 'something extra in my arsenal, that they don't have' so this extra information gives me the 'edge'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play games with others as a competitor, where I will test out my opponent to see how worthy they are, by pushing buttons, and seeing if I can get a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to get others on my side, by paying them compliments, and within this I have created a belief that they will like me more than the others.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood, how this competitive dark side exists within and as me, and how I have been hiding it, and lying to myself by telling myself that it is just me " an accommodating person" that likes to help.  When in actuality I am being accommodating to gain something from another as acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of saying no, in case I am not asked again, and within this I will be bottom of the list, and therefore not a winner in my eyes.

To be continued.....