Day 13 - Defender

defend
/dɪˈfɛnd/
verb
1.
to protect (a person, place, etc) from harm or danger; ward off an attack on
2.
(transitive) to support in the face of criticism, esp by argument or evidence
3.
to represent (a defendant) in court in a civil or criminal action

Introspection

I am going to look at a really old memory here, one where as a child I was bullied and taunted for what I was wearing and how I looked.  Within this memory that I have hidden deep within me, there are what I can only describe as 'tentacles' of information that reach out into my every day life and how I conduct myself, and within this how I have defined myself as as defender or the defendant.

Memory  -  a few points

•  School trip to Germany
•  Wearing a new coat that my parents had bought me
•  Having my name sewn in to the inside where everyone could see
•  Another laughing at me when I boarded the coach
•  Made me feel small, because he had brought attention to the name in the coat, and now  everyone was laughing.
•  Then they started to pick on how I looked, my nose in particular
•  Hiding at the back of the coach on my own under my coat crying as they threw food at me
•  Wanting to go home
•  Feeling stuck
•  Frightened
•  Sad
•  Annoyed
•  Wanting to just run away
•  Acting like nothing was wrong later in the day
•  Pretending that I wasn't crying under my coat
•  Trying to be strong

As I re-live this memory there is sadness, and I can see that for all of these years I have not faced how I experienced myself on this day.  The shame that I have hidden from myself, and how I have conditioned myself as someone that is not worthy and ugly and uncool, based on just a few choice words from my school peers.   

Forgiveness/Walking out of the Pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress a memory of being bullied when I was on a school trip, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the memories that are coming up, and within this not want to face or talk about them, because I am ashamed of how I reacted on that day, because I didn't stand up for myself and within this I allowed the words that they used to penetrate and define me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful that I didn't stand up for myself and instead take all the comments made personally, so much so that they became of part of me, and I created a definition of myself as someone that can not defend themselves, because I have created a belief within and as me that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the role of defender, where by I will attempt to protect others from their own feelings and emotions, by walking a tight rope of caution of what I say to them, and within this choose my words carefully, so not to offend, as I have seen it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and within this create a belief within and as myself that my opinions and ideas do not matter, and that within this no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a victim character, and dwell in the belief that I am not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative image about how I look and how my nose is shaped, and within this cringe at times when I see myself in certain angles on photographic images. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of myself as someone that is not acceptable/worthy/lacking/ need defending in someway, based on one memory from childhood, that I suppressed and allowed to define me as who I am today, in how I experience myself in everyday situations, especially work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put others first, to the detriment of myself as someone that is not important, and that within this idea, I have created a belief that it is my 'role' in life to take care of others, and stand up for them, because I didn't stand up for myself in that moment on the coach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that to cry is a weakness, and that within this showing that weakness leaves one vulnerable to others and open to attack, so I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am in fact creating the defender character, and shutting myself down as a form of self defence, so that I won't be seen or hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that if I just suppress and hide how I am feeling, there will be no consequence to my actions, and how I feel will just disappear and go away, without seeing realising and understand how I am creating the very thing I am afraid of as being bullied, by bullying myself into self blame and victimisation, because I have defined myself by words used by another.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and except anothers words as an excuse of "they must be jealous of me" -  and within this accept the bullying as a normal form of behaviour because I have accepted how they are as I see it in my minds eye. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand how I am creating a defence mechanism, by taking the attention away from me, by focusing on others and their issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, and actually attack myself by putting myself in this state of being, through living out the pattern of defender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, in my mind, in back chat and spitefulness of my words to and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up, because I did not 'stand up' to the bullies on that day on the school trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by anothers words, about how I look, specifically my nose and the shape of it, and within this not see it as desirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim, as someone that needs defending from the harshness of this world, as I have defined it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and that within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have to always be 'on guard' so to speak, by putting myself in a state of defence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge myself energetically through doing good things to help others, so that I may feel better about myself.

I commit myself to slow myself down in each breath, to be gentle with myself and remind myself that I am life, any emotions/feelings that come up, I forgive each and everyone in each and every moment, that I do not go into a form of self punishment, whereby I am hard on myself, for having the feelings and emotions in the first place, and instead I commit myself to look at them and see why they are still coming up, and write them out so that I can see any patterns and memories that may still reside within me as a part of who I have accept and have allowed myself to be.  Instead I commit myself to walk slowly but surely through each moment by forgiving and letting go, and not allowing myself to  return to the point of self victimisation.  I commit myself to see/realise and understand that when I am clear within and as myself, my need to defend myself and others will no longer exist, and then within this I will support in a way that is best for all, including myself.

I commit myself to re-define the word defender, and to live the word defender, as someone that stands in complete self honesty of support towards themselves, and within this is able to stand within and as support for others, as a point of clarity and understanding, with not emotional and feeling attachments to memories. 

Day 12 - Standing

What does the word STANDING mean to me?

How am I living this word?

These words come up when I look at the noun: To Stand.

Make a Stand
Stand up
Stand firm
Be Strong
Stubborn
Fixed
Do not Move
Do not allow oneself to be moved
Internal Force
Routed
Grounded
Strength
Solid

Dictionary Definition

Standing. 

position, status, or reputation.
"their standing in the community"
synonyms: status, rank, ranking, position, social position, station, level, footing, place; More
2.
the length of time that something has lasted or that someone has fulfilled a role; duration.
"an inter-departmental squabble of long standing"
synonyms: duration, existence, continuance, endurance, length of time, life, validity
"a squabble of long standing"
adjective
1.
(of a jump or a start in a running race) performed from rest or an upright position, without a run-up or the use of starting blocks.
"I took a standing jump"
2.
remaining in force or use; permanent.
"he has a standing invitation to visit them"
synonyms: permanent, perpetual, everlasting, continuing, abiding, constant, fixed, indefinite, open-ended; More

"It is interesting, because as I start to look at this word and how I have applied it in my own life.  I see that I haven't always been standing within and as myself, as my own 'force/power'  I have throughout my life in many ways, let others direct me, and when I have experienced myself as not in alignment with what is expected of me I would not always 'stand up for myself'.  This is less so these days, because as I have expanded within and as my process of self discovery and correction through self forgiveness, I have seen/realised and understood how I am accepting and allowing the direction of others, because in many ways I didn't really know who I was and what I wanted, so it was easier to go along with anothers idea of who I was, in relation to them, so little by little I was separating and loosing myself".

"Another point of what standing meant to me, is how I would avoid conflict at times, out of fear, of various things, including loosing money.  My standing would at times become a point of manipulation, so that I would just go along with another so that I was paid my wage, so often times not stand up within and as my own uncomfortable-ness and speak out".

Since process and re-defining the word standing, I see a completely different definition and within this myself, and this is that I have started to live the word standing, making a stand, as a natural expression of myself, without really thinking about it too much, it is here naturally as I align myself within and as best for all. 

Standing to me; is to be self honest, within each and every moment of breath, stand within myself and make sure that I am clear and understanding of why I do the things that I do, and who I am within them.

Standing to me is my commitment to myself to look at who I am within moments; where I am tempted to move, in emotion or feeling and instead, forgive what is coming up and stand within my own self honesty of knowing I am doing what is best for me.

 

Day 11 - Repetition

Here I am going to look at repetition, where on occasions I experience/see myself as slipping back to the same old patterns of abuse. 

Certain programs have been such a part of me as a natural expression of myself, where it instinctively comes up at times when I am in a situation that brings up a subconscious memory.

What I mean by subconscious, is that; it happens and I am not aware of it until it is happening or happened, like I am not immediately aware and able to stop it, so in many ways it is here and I am in it and living it, and then I see it and stop it. 

These patterns are self judgement of inferiority and not good enough. 

I am making a commitment to myself in this moment to not repeat the same patterns, and I see/realise and understand how I can only do that when I am aware of the patterns and stop them, and over time I repeat the correction, until I am living the correction as me.  

So within this I commit myself to live the word REPETITION, to be the practice of me stopping all reactions/thoughts/patterns that come up within and as me in the moment, by breathing and forgiving each and every thought/feeling and emotion, so that the pattern is me repeating this practice over and over until I stand clear within and as myself, so that everything that I participate in is clear, and within this I am stable, as the breath of life and not a reaction/movement of my 'old' self as self judgement and being hard on myself. 

Day 10 - Expand

Looking at the word EXPAND = To expand, expansion, grow, make bigger, develop, move, open up, embrace, envelope, include, take in to, move out, extend.

Who am I in regards to the word EXPAND, and how do I live the word EXPAND, within and as me, as my natural expression of who I am?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not express myself as the natural flow of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share openly as a living example of myself, because I am in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back, because I have created an idea in my mind that I am weakened and vulnerable, if I show my nicer/kinder more loving side, and within this someone will take advantage of me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of expressing myself because of a self created belief that I am vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am limiting myself and not sharing because I am in fear of really opening up and expressing myself.

I commit myself to let go of all self created fears/beliefs about not being good enough, and embrace the moments that come up, to the point of full expansion, where I am embracing and encompassing all that is here, within and as me.

Day 9 - Finding the SPACE in PACE - Becoming Productive.

pace1
peɪs/
noun
1.
a single step taken when walking or running.
"Kirov stepped back a pace"
synonyms: step, stride, footstep
"he stepped back a pace"
2.
speed in walking, running, or moving.
"he's an aggressive player with plenty of pace"
synonyms: speed, rate, swiftness, quickness, rapidity, velocity, tempo, momentum; More
verb
1.
walk at a steady speed, especially without a particular destination and as an expression of anxiety or annoyance.
"we paced up and down in exasperation"
synonyms: walk, stride, tread, march, pound, patrol, walk up and down, walk back and forth, cross, traverse
"she paced up and down"
2.
move or develop (something) at a particular rate or speed.
"the action is paced to the beat of a perky march"


Interestingly when I look at the word PACE, I see a hurried movement, but I also see an organised and balanced experience of the word.

Moving at a steady PACE = Balanced and Uniform.

I use my breath to slow myself down and PACE myself, and within this I create more SPACE for myself as a form of being able to get more done, as all my moments are effective within this PACE.

I have seen how I have my own pace, and how if I move moment by moment in my own movement, of my own pace I am able to get more done.

When I stop my mind as thoughts about what I have to do, and instead look at what is here practically to be faced in my day, and approach it moment by moment, my movement is much more effective. Because I am making use of every second, instead of going around like a headless chicken in a spin, complaining about what I have to do and wasting energy.

I commit myself to keep slowing myself down within and as the breath, to stop stressing myself out and look at what is here realistically and within this the time that I have available to me. I commit myself to see the value in prioritising, and not rushing to get everything done in the quickest time possible.

I see/realise and understand that when I slow myself down, I am able to cope better; that within this coping I am able to achieve more, and not put my body into a state of stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put strain and tension on my physical body as a form of stress, because I am panicking and rushing within what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite of panic by being nonchalant about my workload, and instead want to throw my hands in the air in a state of being overwhelmed, and giving up.

I commit myself to continue pacing myself in a steady and stable way that I am able to get things done with the least fuss and tension.

I commit myself to live the word PACE as a direct condition of myself as 'steady as she goes' and within this balance my work load into what is practically able to be done with the time that I have, in a stable and controlled manner, moving swiftly and steadily within every moment of breath.

I commit myself to create the space that I need within my day within living the word pace as a living expression of myself as every moment of breath, and regulating my pace as to what is needed in the moment. as a movement in my body and not a reaction in my mind.

Day 8 - Living the Words Focus and Stability (Living My Potential)

When I look at the word Focus, I see how I have at times struggled to really live this word as me, in actuality.

I have seen that me as the mind; when in a state of panic and anxiety is unable to FOCUS fully and I engage in a battle within myself of 'trying to force myself to focus'  and within this how it can be a 'living nightmare' of never actually focusing with stability and calmness, but more like a forced state that I put myself in, and then the consequence of this is 'feeling tired and lack- lustre'  and not wanting to participate in anything, because I tell myself that "I need a break, as everything is hard and exhausting."

There have been moments where I just panic, and go into an automatic mode of just getting things done, and within this I miss points and opportunities to really enjoy what I am doing.

I have also noticed as well, how it is very easy for me to convince myself that I am stressed and then worry about being stressed and unable to focus because I am in my mind creating an energetic reaction of anxiety.

I have also seen how at times I will shake my head in a form of shifting my thoughts from negative to positive, so that I am able to  complete a task, like I am literally shaking the 'bad' thoughts away and trying to replace them with good ones, in a form of suppression or avoidance.

This has become a real sticking point within me, and one where I am becoming acutely aware that if I do not get a handle on it and walk out of this pattern I will continue to create the same story over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of panic within and as me, and within this create tension in my body, because I have been speaking negatively to myself in back chat of 'things going wrong' and looking for the worst case scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words, "don't worry about it" where I see that I have created a polarity of the negativity within me, and I might as well say "fuck it, I don't care"  instead of breathing and slowing down and embracing the moment of negatively within and as me, instead of suppressing and pushing it under the carpet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lack lustre and tired, and then within this; after a long day at a very busy job, tell myself that I deserve to rest, but in a frustrated and anxious way of fighting for time, and hurrying in my process to get all of my chores done.

I forgive myself that I haven't/seen/realised and understood how I am in a pattern of avoidance and suppression, trying to convince myself that if I shake my head and pretend that the thoughts don't exist I will just be able to stop the anxiety and focus, without dealing with what is causing the anxiety in the first place.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am creating a continued consequence within and as me of being stressed and anxious, because I am not facing the real issues of why I am stressed and anxious in the first place.  I see/realise and understand how I am in a pattern of stress because I am being hard on myself for not breathing and not slowing down and pacing myself, so that moments and are missed in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hard on myself because I have made a mistake because I was not paying attention and within this punish myself in a form of annnoyance, rather than just changing the pattern of not paying attention in the first place.

I commit myself to be more gentle with myself and stop punishing myself as someone that is not able to FOCUS and remain STABLE, and withing this I commit myself to see/realise and understand how I am the one in complete control of who I am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as punishment.  And within this embrace moments of myself where I am not clear and understanding in all that I do, because perhaps I do not have the knowledge and information within me.

I commit myself to remind myself of these facts and not allow myself to FOCUS and therefore remain stable in all that I do as a point of what I am capable of as potential.

I commit myself to live the word FOCUS as the re definition of me, of who I am in every moment, by breathing and paying attention to what I am doing without distraction, moment by moment.

I commit myself to see that if I remain FOCUSED I will be stable in all that I do, because I won't be in the mind and distracted by other things.  Therefore I commit myself to; each and everytime I see/experience myself as 'drifting off', to breathe and slow down and bring myself back here within and as myself and pay attention to what is here in each moment.

Day 7 - Overwhelmed - ness - Living the word Calm

overwhelm
əʊvəˈwɛlm/Submit
Submit

verb
past tense: overwhelmed; past participle: overwhelmed
1.
bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something, especially water.
"floodwaters overwhelmed hundreds of houses"
synonyms:
swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate; More
2.
have a strong emotional effect on.
"I was overwhelmed with guilt"
synonyms:
overcome, move, stir, affect, touch, impress, sweep someone off their feet, strike,stun, make emotional, dumbfound, shake, disturb, devastate, take aback, daze,spellbind, dazzle, floor, leave speechless, take someone's breath away, stagger;
informalbowl over, blow away, knock/hit for six, knock sideways, blow someone's mind, get to
"she was overwhelmed by a sense of tragedy"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being overwhelmed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in the experience of being overwhelmed, whereby I will put strain and pressure on my body, in holding myself in a state of stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience within and as me of fear and tension of being 'told off'  for not completing tasks at work effectively enough and in an adequate time frame.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am actually compounding the problem of fear and stress within and as me by being in a point of expectation, like expecting the 'hammer to fall' so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that "I will never finish this" when looking at a task for work, and within this create an experience around it, where I am projecting myself into the future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of panic and worry that I will make mistakes because I am rushing, instead of slowing myself down within and as the breath and taking my time, pacing myself and being realistic and practical about my work load, in stead of trying to please everyone and get it all done.

I commit myself to slow myself down, by taking an in breath and holding for a count of four, and then exhale, for a count of four, and repeating until I am calmer and steadier within and as myself.  

I commit myself to then look at my tasks that I have before me, and prioritise in level of urgency, I see/realise and understand how if I take control of myself within and as my breathing and slowing myself down I will be able to function better, and look at things more practically, rather than in fear and paranoia of emotions, and within this go into a form of a spin within and as myself, that results in me rushing and making mistakes.

I commit myself to replace the word OVERWHELMED within and as me with the word CALM, as a living expression of myself and within this pace myself in stability and focus. 

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