Day 13 - Defender

defend
/dɪˈfɛnd/
verb
1.
to protect (a person, place, etc) from harm or danger; ward off an attack on
2.
(transitive) to support in the face of criticism, esp by argument or evidence
3.
to represent (a defendant) in court in a civil or criminal action

Introspection

I am going to look at a really old memory here, one where as a child I was bullied and taunted for what I was wearing and how I looked.  Within this memory that I have hidden deep within me, there are what I can only describe as 'tentacles' of information that reach out into my every day life and how I conduct myself, and within this how I have defined myself as as defender or the defendant.

Memory  -  a few points

•  School trip to Germany
•  Wearing a new coat that my parents had bought me
•  Having my name sewn in to the inside where everyone could see
•  Another laughing at me when I boarded the coach
•  Made me feel small, because he had brought attention to the name in the coat, and now  everyone was laughing.
•  Then they started to pick on how I looked, my nose in particular
•  Hiding at the back of the coach on my own under my coat crying as they threw food at me
•  Wanting to go home
•  Feeling stuck
•  Frightened
•  Sad
•  Annoyed
•  Wanting to just run away
•  Acting like nothing was wrong later in the day
•  Pretending that I wasn't crying under my coat
•  Trying to be strong

As I re-live this memory there is sadness, and I can see that for all of these years I have not faced how I experienced myself on this day.  The shame that I have hidden from myself, and how I have conditioned myself as someone that is not worthy and ugly and uncool, based on just a few choice words from my school peers.   

Forgiveness/Walking out of the Pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress a memory of being bullied when I was on a school trip, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the memories that are coming up, and within this not want to face or talk about them, because I am ashamed of how I reacted on that day, because I didn't stand up for myself and within this I allowed the words that they used to penetrate and define me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful that I didn't stand up for myself and instead take all the comments made personally, so much so that they became of part of me, and I created a definition of myself as someone that can not defend themselves, because I have created a belief within and as me that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the role of defender, where by I will attempt to protect others from their own feelings and emotions, by walking a tight rope of caution of what I say to them, and within this choose my words carefully, so not to offend, as I have seen it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and within this create a belief within and as myself that my opinions and ideas do not matter, and that within this no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a victim character, and dwell in the belief that I am not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative image about how I look and how my nose is shaped, and within this cringe at times when I see myself in certain angles on photographic images. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of myself as someone that is not acceptable/worthy/lacking/ need defending in someway, based on one memory from childhood, that I suppressed and allowed to define me as who I am today, in how I experience myself in everyday situations, especially work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put others first, to the detriment of myself as someone that is not important, and that within this idea, I have created a belief that it is my 'role' in life to take care of others, and stand up for them, because I didn't stand up for myself in that moment on the coach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that to cry is a weakness, and that within this showing that weakness leaves one vulnerable to others and open to attack, so I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am in fact creating the defender character, and shutting myself down as a form of self defence, so that I won't be seen or hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that if I just suppress and hide how I am feeling, there will be no consequence to my actions, and how I feel will just disappear and go away, without seeing realising and understand how I am creating the very thing I am afraid of as being bullied, by bullying myself into self blame and victimisation, because I have defined myself by words used by another.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and except anothers words as an excuse of "they must be jealous of me" -  and within this accept the bullying as a normal form of behaviour because I have accepted how they are as I see it in my minds eye. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand how I am creating a defence mechanism, by taking the attention away from me, by focusing on others and their issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself, and actually attack myself by putting myself in this state of being, through living out the pattern of defender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, in my mind, in back chat and spitefulness of my words to and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up, because I did not 'stand up' to the bullies on that day on the school trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by anothers words, about how I look, specifically my nose and the shape of it, and within this not see it as desirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim, as someone that needs defending from the harshness of this world, as I have defined it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and that within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have to always be 'on guard' so to speak, by putting myself in a state of defence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge myself energetically through doing good things to help others, so that I may feel better about myself.

I commit myself to slow myself down in each breath, to be gentle with myself and remind myself that I am life, any emotions/feelings that come up, I forgive each and everyone in each and every moment, that I do not go into a form of self punishment, whereby I am hard on myself, for having the feelings and emotions in the first place, and instead I commit myself to look at them and see why they are still coming up, and write them out so that I can see any patterns and memories that may still reside within me as a part of who I have accept and have allowed myself to be.  Instead I commit myself to walk slowly but surely through each moment by forgiving and letting go, and not allowing myself to  return to the point of self victimisation.  I commit myself to see/realise and understand that when I am clear within and as myself, my need to defend myself and others will no longer exist, and then within this I will support in a way that is best for all, including myself.

I commit myself to re-define the word defender, and to live the word defender, as someone that stands in complete self honesty of support towards themselves, and within this is able to stand within and as support for others, as a point of clarity and understanding, with not emotional and feeling attachments to memories. 

Day 12 - Standing

What does the word STANDING mean to me?

How am I living this word?

These words come up when I look at the noun: To Stand.

Make a Stand
Stand up
Stand firm
Be Strong
Stubborn
Fixed
Do not Move
Do not allow oneself to be moved
Internal Force
Routed
Grounded
Strength
Solid

Dictionary Definition

Standing. 

position, status, or reputation.
"their standing in the community"
synonyms: status, rank, ranking, position, social position, station, level, footing, place; More
2.
the length of time that something has lasted or that someone has fulfilled a role; duration.
"an inter-departmental squabble of long standing"
synonyms: duration, existence, continuance, endurance, length of time, life, validity
"a squabble of long standing"
adjective
1.
(of a jump or a start in a running race) performed from rest or an upright position, without a run-up or the use of starting blocks.
"I took a standing jump"
2.
remaining in force or use; permanent.
"he has a standing invitation to visit them"
synonyms: permanent, perpetual, everlasting, continuing, abiding, constant, fixed, indefinite, open-ended; More

"It is interesting, because as I start to look at this word and how I have applied it in my own life.  I see that I haven't always been standing within and as myself, as my own 'force/power'  I have throughout my life in many ways, let others direct me, and when I have experienced myself as not in alignment with what is expected of me I would not always 'stand up for myself'.  This is less so these days, because as I have expanded within and as my process of self discovery and correction through self forgiveness, I have seen/realised and understood how I am accepting and allowing the direction of others, because in many ways I didn't really know who I was and what I wanted, so it was easier to go along with anothers idea of who I was, in relation to them, so little by little I was separating and loosing myself".

"Another point of what standing meant to me, is how I would avoid conflict at times, out of fear, of various things, including loosing money.  My standing would at times become a point of manipulation, so that I would just go along with another so that I was paid my wage, so often times not stand up within and as my own uncomfortable-ness and speak out".

Since process and re-defining the word standing, I see a completely different definition and within this myself, and this is that I have started to live the word standing, making a stand, as a natural expression of myself, without really thinking about it too much, it is here naturally as I align myself within and as best for all. 

Standing to me; is to be self honest, within each and every moment of breath, stand within myself and make sure that I am clear and understanding of why I do the things that I do, and who I am within them.

Standing to me is my commitment to myself to look at who I am within moments; where I am tempted to move, in emotion or feeling and instead, forgive what is coming up and stand within my own self honesty of knowing I am doing what is best for me.

 

Day 11 - Repetition

Here I am going to look at repetition, where on occasions I experience/see myself as slipping back to the same old patterns of abuse. 

Certain programs have been such a part of me as a natural expression of myself, where it instinctively comes up at times when I am in a situation that brings up a subconscious memory.

What I mean by subconscious, is that; it happens and I am not aware of it until it is happening or happened, like I am not immediately aware and able to stop it, so in many ways it is here and I am in it and living it, and then I see it and stop it. 

These patterns are self judgement of inferiority and not good enough. 

I am making a commitment to myself in this moment to not repeat the same patterns, and I see/realise and understand how I can only do that when I am aware of the patterns and stop them, and over time I repeat the correction, until I am living the correction as me.  

So within this I commit myself to live the word REPETITION, to be the practice of me stopping all reactions/thoughts/patterns that come up within and as me in the moment, by breathing and forgiving each and every thought/feeling and emotion, so that the pattern is me repeating this practice over and over until I stand clear within and as myself, so that everything that I participate in is clear, and within this I am stable, as the breath of life and not a reaction/movement of my 'old' self as self judgement and being hard on myself. 

Day 10 - Expand

Looking at the word EXPAND = To expand, expansion, grow, make bigger, develop, move, open up, embrace, envelope, include, take in to, move out, extend.

Who am I in regards to the word EXPAND, and how do I live the word EXPAND, within and as me, as my natural expression of who I am?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not express myself as the natural flow of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share openly as a living example of myself, because I am in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back, because I have created an idea in my mind that I am weakened and vulnerable, if I show my nicer/kinder more loving side, and within this someone will take advantage of me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of expressing myself because of a self created belief that I am vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am limiting myself and not sharing because I am in fear of really opening up and expressing myself.

I commit myself to let go of all self created fears/beliefs about not being good enough, and embrace the moments that come up, to the point of full expansion, where I am embracing and encompassing all that is here, within and as me.

Day 9 - Finding the SPACE in PACE - Becoming Productive.

pace1
peɪs/
noun
1.
a single step taken when walking or running.
"Kirov stepped back a pace"
synonyms: step, stride, footstep
"he stepped back a pace"
2.
speed in walking, running, or moving.
"he's an aggressive player with plenty of pace"
synonyms: speed, rate, swiftness, quickness, rapidity, velocity, tempo, momentum; More
verb
1.
walk at a steady speed, especially without a particular destination and as an expression of anxiety or annoyance.
"we paced up and down in exasperation"
synonyms: walk, stride, tread, march, pound, patrol, walk up and down, walk back and forth, cross, traverse
"she paced up and down"
2.
move or develop (something) at a particular rate or speed.
"the action is paced to the beat of a perky march"


Interestingly when I look at the word PACE, I see a hurried movement, but I also see an organised and balanced experience of the word.

Moving at a steady PACE = Balanced and Uniform.

I use my breath to slow myself down and PACE myself, and within this I create more SPACE for myself as a form of being able to get more done, as all my moments are effective within this PACE.

I have seen how I have my own pace, and how if I move moment by moment in my own movement, of my own pace I am able to get more done.

When I stop my mind as thoughts about what I have to do, and instead look at what is here practically to be faced in my day, and approach it moment by moment, my movement is much more effective. Because I am making use of every second, instead of going around like a headless chicken in a spin, complaining about what I have to do and wasting energy.

I commit myself to keep slowing myself down within and as the breath, to stop stressing myself out and look at what is here realistically and within this the time that I have available to me. I commit myself to see the value in prioritising, and not rushing to get everything done in the quickest time possible.

I see/realise and understand that when I slow myself down, I am able to cope better; that within this coping I am able to achieve more, and not put my body into a state of stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put strain and tension on my physical body as a form of stress, because I am panicking and rushing within what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite of panic by being nonchalant about my workload, and instead want to throw my hands in the air in a state of being overwhelmed, and giving up.

I commit myself to continue pacing myself in a steady and stable way that I am able to get things done with the least fuss and tension.

I commit myself to live the word PACE as a direct condition of myself as 'steady as she goes' and within this balance my work load into what is practically able to be done with the time that I have, in a stable and controlled manner, moving swiftly and steadily within every moment of breath.

I commit myself to create the space that I need within my day within living the word pace as a living expression of myself as every moment of breath, and regulating my pace as to what is needed in the moment. as a movement in my body and not a reaction in my mind.

Day 8 - Living the Words Focus and Stability (Living My Potential)

When I look at the word Focus, I see how I have at times struggled to really live this word as me, in actuality.

I have seen that me as the mind; when in a state of panic and anxiety is unable to FOCUS fully and I engage in a battle within myself of 'trying to force myself to focus'  and within this how it can be a 'living nightmare' of never actually focusing with stability and calmness, but more like a forced state that I put myself in, and then the consequence of this is 'feeling tired and lack- lustre'  and not wanting to participate in anything, because I tell myself that "I need a break, as everything is hard and exhausting."

There have been moments where I just panic, and go into an automatic mode of just getting things done, and within this I miss points and opportunities to really enjoy what I am doing.

I have also noticed as well, how it is very easy for me to convince myself that I am stressed and then worry about being stressed and unable to focus because I am in my mind creating an energetic reaction of anxiety.

I have also seen how at times I will shake my head in a form of shifting my thoughts from negative to positive, so that I am able to  complete a task, like I am literally shaking the 'bad' thoughts away and trying to replace them with good ones, in a form of suppression or avoidance.

This has become a real sticking point within me, and one where I am becoming acutely aware that if I do not get a handle on it and walk out of this pattern I will continue to create the same story over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of panic within and as me, and within this create tension in my body, because I have been speaking negatively to myself in back chat of 'things going wrong' and looking for the worst case scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words, "don't worry about it" where I see that I have created a polarity of the negativity within me, and I might as well say "fuck it, I don't care"  instead of breathing and slowing down and embracing the moment of negatively within and as me, instead of suppressing and pushing it under the carpet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lack lustre and tired, and then within this; after a long day at a very busy job, tell myself that I deserve to rest, but in a frustrated and anxious way of fighting for time, and hurrying in my process to get all of my chores done.

I forgive myself that I haven't/seen/realised and understood how I am in a pattern of avoidance and suppression, trying to convince myself that if I shake my head and pretend that the thoughts don't exist I will just be able to stop the anxiety and focus, without dealing with what is causing the anxiety in the first place.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am creating a continued consequence within and as me of being stressed and anxious, because I am not facing the real issues of why I am stressed and anxious in the first place.  I see/realise and understand how I am in a pattern of stress because I am being hard on myself for not breathing and not slowing down and pacing myself, so that moments and are missed in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hard on myself because I have made a mistake because I was not paying attention and within this punish myself in a form of annnoyance, rather than just changing the pattern of not paying attention in the first place.

I commit myself to be more gentle with myself and stop punishing myself as someone that is not able to FOCUS and remain STABLE, and withing this I commit myself to see/realise and understand how I am the one in complete control of who I am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as punishment.  And within this embrace moments of myself where I am not clear and understanding in all that I do, because perhaps I do not have the knowledge and information within me.

I commit myself to remind myself of these facts and not allow myself to FOCUS and therefore remain stable in all that I do as a point of what I am capable of as potential.

I commit myself to live the word FOCUS as the re definition of me, of who I am in every moment, by breathing and paying attention to what I am doing without distraction, moment by moment.

I commit myself to see that if I remain FOCUSED I will be stable in all that I do, because I won't be in the mind and distracted by other things.  Therefore I commit myself to; each and everytime I see/experience myself as 'drifting off', to breathe and slow down and bring myself back here within and as myself and pay attention to what is here in each moment.

Day 7 - Overwhelmed - ness - Living the word Calm

overwhelm
əʊvəˈwɛlm/Submit
Submit

verb
past tense: overwhelmed; past participle: overwhelmed
1.
bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something, especially water.
"floodwaters overwhelmed hundreds of houses"
synonyms:
swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate; More
2.
have a strong emotional effect on.
"I was overwhelmed with guilt"
synonyms:
overcome, move, stir, affect, touch, impress, sweep someone off their feet, strike,stun, make emotional, dumbfound, shake, disturb, devastate, take aback, daze,spellbind, dazzle, floor, leave speechless, take someone's breath away, stagger;
informalbowl over, blow away, knock/hit for six, knock sideways, blow someone's mind, get to
"she was overwhelmed by a sense of tragedy"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being overwhelmed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in the experience of being overwhelmed, whereby I will put strain and pressure on my body, in holding myself in a state of stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience within and as me of fear and tension of being 'told off'  for not completing tasks at work effectively enough and in an adequate time frame.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am actually compounding the problem of fear and stress within and as me by being in a point of expectation, like expecting the 'hammer to fall' so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that "I will never finish this" when looking at a task for work, and within this create an experience around it, where I am projecting myself into the future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of panic and worry that I will make mistakes because I am rushing, instead of slowing myself down within and as the breath and taking my time, pacing myself and being realistic and practical about my work load, in stead of trying to please everyone and get it all done.

I commit myself to slow myself down, by taking an in breath and holding for a count of four, and then exhale, for a count of four, and repeating until I am calmer and steadier within and as myself.  

I commit myself to then look at my tasks that I have before me, and prioritise in level of urgency, I see/realise and understand how if I take control of myself within and as my breathing and slowing myself down I will be able to function better, and look at things more practically, rather than in fear and paranoia of emotions, and within this go into a form of a spin within and as myself, that results in me rushing and making mistakes.

I commit myself to replace the word OVERWHELMED within and as me with the word CALM, as a living expression of myself and within this pace myself in stability and focus. 

1. • 
     

Day 6 - Calmness

" ....indigestion - here you have to be focusing on undercurrent emotions - seeing an anxiety here in the body that is subtle but constant, a constant tension that leads your body into the experience of a "zinging" sensation - so we'd suggest having a look at being aware of the BODY in moments where it gets tensed / zingy - but your awareness has to be in the physical to notice this - here you'll become aware of these moments and be able to release by relaxing yourself and so the body, these are inherent programmed reaction patterns in the physical"  Sunette Spies ( in a conversation via Skype with me a few months ago)

The zingy-ness I can relate to, it is so subtle but now I have a word to describe it I can see/feel it.

The Zinging sensation I get is like a worse case scenario, a place within myself that is buzzing with anxiety, and within this a type of reflux is happening as a churning of my stomach and the acid in my body becoming prevalent.   A toxic imbalance from my participation in thoughts feelings and emotions over time, often times not being noticed, and accepted and allowed to be a part of me.

I have been flagging the points where this sensation comes up, and it is usually when my mind is and has been most active, and I have noticed how my thought patterns are underpinned by some kind of paranoia and fear, which,  when I dwell on such thoughts brings about an anxiety within and as me like a tightening within my body.

The above is becoming easier to spot within me, and such a state I see/realise and understand comes up when I am "unsure of my future"  where I will perhaps worry about what is to come, without seeing/realising and understanding that I have a choice here, I can worry and stress and keep myself in the moment, or I can breathe and remind myself to look for practical solutions. I have come to see that worrying doesn't change a future outcome, and infact all that I create for myself in these moments is consequence within and as my own body.

So here I will look at re defining the word Calm.

Calm is a positive word to me, rolls off my tongue, as a soothing melody, and goes along with the words peace, and serenity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go off in my mind in fear and worry about a future outcome, which is me attempting to sabotage myself as someone that has no control over the future, and within this create a fear of the 'worst case scenario' as a point of lack of self belief and trust.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the words 'go with the flow'  and that within this I am often looking to control the flow, without seeing/realising and understanding how I am in fact never a 'winner' in this point, because I am creating conflict within myself in these moments, that accumulate as stress within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequence within and as my physical body, as a form of indigestion, because I have stressed a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as calm on the surface but be paddling like mad within myself, like the inexperienced swimmer trying to stay afloat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the words stress/tension/worry as a point of how I experience myself physically, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the absolute power of slowing down within and as my own breath.

I commit myself to slow myself down, and to teach myself that art of relaxation, as an art form that flows within and as me as the breath of life.

I commit myself to look at calmness within me and to notice all the subtle changes that move me as energy.  I commit myself to take these movements and introspect in the following ways:

• To ask myself, " what was I thinking/worrying about just now";
• To write out what bothers me ;
• To forgive what is bothering me and let it go; and
• To pay attention to my breath, and make sure that I am breathing slowly and that my awareness is on my breath, and not in my mind, by utilising the 4 count breath technique. 

I commit myself to live the word CALM as a living word, and to remind myself when I experience myself as worried and fearful of the future, I stop and I breathe, and I remind myself that I am the creator of this moment, of how I experience myself, and that which is best for me is to relax and look at what I can create practically, to make my experience the best that it can be.

I commit myself to remind myself that stressing and worrying about a thing/situation/person/thought/feeling/emotion is not beneficial to me or anyone, because all that will happen is that I will create consequence.

I commit myself to GO WITH THE FLOW, to allow myself to take each moment of breathe as a moment of creation, where I decide to be the creator of my reality, and within this I see/realise and understand how I will then make a decision that is practical and will be the best for me in the moment.

Day 4 - Anxiety

"Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.^[4] It is often accompanied by muscular tension,^[3] restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.<sup>[3]" Wikipedia


It is nearing the end of my probationary period in work.  I have experienced the last few months at times with difficulty, 
as the work load is large and it is extremely busy, all of the time.  I have been anxious at times, and there are moments
where I feel like I could just walk out the door.  On the whole I believe that I am doing ok, although no one has said, they
only mention when I don't complete a task effectively enough, now it stands to reason that if I am busy, by association 
they</sup> are busy also, really there is no time for errors. 

Now who am I in this environment?  I am used to being busy, and generally I am happy when it is busy, because I get 
into a groove, and usually I am more productive when the work is flowing.  But today I was sweating, and felt very uptight
in my body, and I have realised that this is quite a common way of being for me, a common 'state of mind'

Anxiety is a negative word as I see it,

Anx I ety
Anxious
Angst


Self forgiveness on Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of anxiety, expecting the worst.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I will make mistakes and within this be surprised
when I don't.

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am going to be reprimanded
by my manager for doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bounce from the polarity of feeling positive, by talking myself
up, to then sinking into a depression of not being good enough, without seeing realising and understanding how I am 
creating a polarity play-out in my reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am the only one 
that makes mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my back chat within me to be negative in nature.

I forgive myself that 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word anxiety as a state of mind, as who I am, in 
paranoia of the future moments coming my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow physical discomfort in my body in the form
of sweating and being uptight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as buzzing/fizzing inside of myself in a form 
of stress and tension, and within this I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that I'am putting myself
into a state of preparedness, expecting the worst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in the others shoes and within this see how they would
be annoyed with me, because I have fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me, without seeing/realising and
understanding that perhaps the instructions from the other were not completely clear, and within this I missed a point
or two.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step up and ask for more clarification, for fear or 
looking stupid, as I have created in my minds eye. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am useless and within this put myself into 
a state of anxiety, and worry about how I am seen by others, specifically in the working environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid that others are talking about me behind my
back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-live the memory as a state of being-ness of being the odd
one out, or the one that is not as good as others at understanding simple instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and within this punish myself with back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequence within and as my physical body as anxiety
and nervousness, as a point of anxiety. 

I see/realise and understand how I am making my job harder for the most part, because I am in a state of anxiety. 

When and as I experience myself as stressed and going into a form of anxiety - I stop immediately and I breathe and I 
remind myself to slowdown within and as the breath.  I commit myself to keep flagging these moments that come up within
and as me - often times as a physical symptom of my state of mind.  I commit myself to see that by state of mind, I mean
a pattern of behaviour that has become a living pattern as anxiety, where I don't automatically see it in my words and 
back chat, because I have allowed it to be so much a part of me, that it is missed as a normal condition to be in.  However,
I commit myself to let my body by my guide, and my flag point of when the anxiety is within and as me, and my allow 
my body to show me , by really paying attention to that which exists as anxiety manifest as a physical tension, as sweating
or being tight and tense within and as me.   I commit myself to, at this point, stop and breathe and forgive that which is 
coming up.  

I commit myself to give myself more credit and stop being so negative to and towards myself as someone that is not as good 
as others, and to remind myself that sometimes mistakes are not all my fault alone, and that at times there is a break
down in communication, and within this my responsibility is to be clear within and as myself when I am communicating
with others. 

Day 3 - The Accommodating Competitor - Part 2 (comparison)

Another point of competition that comes up within me is the point of competition with other females, and how I perceive myself when I am with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women. Specifically those in my age bracket.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my partners exes and within this look for similar points within them to copy, or make a point of, because within this I have created a belief that I am not good enough, without seeing/realising and understanding that I am the one that he is with at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my face and the specifics of my face, like my nose, eyes, mouth, face shape to others, and within this find an acceptable face in a magazine that I have created a belief around as attractive, and within this secretly 'wish' that I looked like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those as 'stupid' that have cosmetic surgery, without seeing how deep the programming within them goes, and how it would be very easy for me to consider if I had the money, that there are points within me that I may consider changing.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood that within the stupid judgement I am in fact judging myself as stupid, for having comparison thoughts, within myself, instead of taking it easy and investigating where the thoughts come from and forgiving them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am getting old and within this I will no longer be acceptable in this reality because I will be an 'old person'  I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood how I am in fact creating a belief within and as me that over a certain age one is over the hill, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am 'too fat'  that the version of myself in this moment is not good, that I look flabby and within this go into fear of showing certain parts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to women of the same height and within this judge my weight by their weight for their height, and within this assume that the is an acceptable format.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accommodate my mind as the directive principle of how I should look, and within this what is acceptable based on my own opinion/attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fend off ageing with expensive products, instead of seeing the simplicity of just stopping the thoughts/back chat and programming within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the mainstream media images of what is considered perfect and acceptable and within this attempt to emulate those models that I see on the pages of magazines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete for anothers affections, by making myself more visible as I have seen it, and going 'over the top' to please, to remain in their favour,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that my voice is annoying others, and within this try to change to suit them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that my look is not good enough for others and within this try to change to suit them, and what they perceive as acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that I have to be a certain way for others to accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up others on social media and compare myself to them, and within this look for flaws within and as them to make me feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflict discomfort and stress onto my body, through not accepting and allowing who I am and how I look.

When and as I experience myself as going into comparison and looking at  images of others and creating a belief within and as myself that I am not acceptable, I commit myself to slow myself down within and as my breath. And to re-MIND myself that I am going into old patterned behaviour of comparison within and as me, and within this how I look will never be acceptable, in my minds eye (I),  because I have created a belief within and as me that I am not perfect compared to images of others, and I commit myself to re- MIND myself this is a NO win situation, one that I will never be satisfied with, as it is based on judgement and opinion.   I commit myself to accept myself, as I am, regarding how I look and sound, and that within this I am a product of my parents,ancestry and DNA and this I cannot change, unless I spend a great deal of money, of which I am not going to do, so I look how I look.  I commit myself to remind myself that the bits that I can change in how my face ages and changes is my mind, in how I experience myself as inferior, and within this

I commit myself to keep forgiving and release all judgement that come up within and as me, to and towards others and myself.

I commit myself to see/realise and understand how I am creating competition within and as myself in that I am fighting for my supremacy in this world, as wanting to be a popular being, one that is admired and accepted for how I look, instead of seeing how I am creating the very opposite because I am resonating how I see/feel about myself out there, and within this it is how I will be perceived.

I see/realise and understand how when I am not happy about how I look, and within this I tell myself that I am having a bad hair day, fat day, ugly day.  I hold my body in tight positions where I am trying to maintain the best side of myself, or I will keep fiddling with my hair, or checking in a mirror to see how I look.  I see/realise and understand how when I am relaxed and comfortable within myself I project that image of myself out there, and within this I get compliments and told how well I look.

Day 2 - The Accommodating Competitor - Part one.

In this post I am going to be looking at how I live the word competitive:

competitive
kəmˈpɛtɪtɪv/Submit
adjective
1.

relating to or characterized by competition.
"a competitive sport"
synonyms: ruthless, merciless, aggressive, fierce; More
2.
as good as or better than others of a comparable nature.
"a car industry competitive with any in the world"

I also want to look at the word accommodating, and how the two words are interchangeable - I see realise and understand when opening up the word accommodating, that there is a part of me that is competitive, that within being accommodating there is an element of competition that exists within and as me, and I hadn't seen this until today.

I have never seen myself as a competitive person, but when I asked myself " who am I within and as the word accommodating"  I have seen how I want to be better than the next person, to gain some kind of recognition as the best, number one, within what I do.

It is interesting how most of my reactions/back chat/characters come up when I am at work.  I do the same job as three others, and within this I am fairly new. But today I saw how I was becoming 'super helpful'  not just to be helpful, but to show that I am more 'accommodating' than the others, and within this I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the 'best' and most reliable at what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a belief to the word accommodating that if I am 'superhelpful' I will be seen as a good person, some one that others come to because I am reliable in my stance of being of accommodating, when secretly I see/realise and understand how I am looking for some kind of attention and within this wanting to be seen as the best of all of us doing the same job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fish for compliments from others, by being the first to put my hand up, because I have created a belief within and as me that I will be seen as the best, and within this they will tell me so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that  I am not competitive and within this I am just a helpful person, without seeing and realising the 'dark side' of myself as a competitor, where I will step on others at times to get where I think I will be seen as the 'best'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand how I am actually keeping information to myself ( that could be supportive to others ) in showing how I do something, because within this I have created a belief within and as me that I have 'something extra in my arsenal, that they don't have' so this extra information gives me the 'edge'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play games with others as a competitor, where I will test out my opponent to see how worthy they are, by pushing buttons, and seeing if I can get a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to get others on my side, by paying them compliments, and within this I have created a belief that they will like me more than the others.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood, how this competitive dark side exists within and as me, and how I have been hiding it, and lying to myself by telling myself that it is just me " an accommodating person" that likes to help.  When in actuality I am being accommodating to gain something from another as acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of saying no, in case I am not asked again, and within this I will be bottom of the list, and therefore not a winner in my eyes.

To be continued.....

Day 1 - Accountability

Here in this blog I am going to be walking my re-definition of words, to become living words, words that I stand by, that represent what is best for all.

Accountability:

The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

"lack of accountability has corroded public respect for business and political leaders"
synonyms: responsibility, liability, answerability
"there must be clear accountability for the expenditure of public money"
answerability, responsibility, reporting, obedience
"ministers' accountability to parliament"

antonyms: unaccountability the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.
"lack of accountability has corroded public respect for business and political leaders"

synonyms: responsibility, liability, answerability
"there must be clear accountability for the expenditure of public money"
answerability, responsibility, reporting, obedience
"ministers' accountability to parliament"
antonyms: unaccountability

How have I lived the word accountable, what has it represented to me in my life?

I remember as a child being told that I was very "grown up for my age, very responsible" my friends parents thought I was "such a nice girl, a good choice for their sons and daughters to be associated with.  I felt pleased with this analysis of myself, and I did my very best to embody and live up to the responsibility that I had been so gratefully entrusted with.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am supposed to be the accountable one, that one that looks after everyone else and takes responsibility very seriously, to the point that I am the one that everyone is looking at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a proud moment within myself when my friends Mothers would tell me I was a "good girl, very responsible" and within this make a vow to them that I would assume responsibility for my friends in my company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for this kind of compliment and acknowledgement from others, because my own Mother would tell me that I was irresponsible and unable to look after myself properly, so within this I forgive myself for not seeing realising and understanding how I am completely embodying this point of responsibility for others as something to be proud of, to make me feel better about myself in moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to; when things 'go wrong' in my environment, immediately look to see how I was to blame in someway, and within this go into an automation of taking responsibility for the problem, as mine.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen realised and understood how in fact I am placing responsibility outside of myself, in a way to avoid being my own self responsibility and looking at how I can take more care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others before me, without considering how it would effect me in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to become frustrated and annoyed when others don't give me the same consideration as I give them, as I have seen it in my minds eye.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that I am 'responsible' for me, and me alone, and unless the being is a child or needs care and attention, because they cannot provide it for themselves, I commit myself to see that I am not their keeper.

I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realised and understood, that when I am in protection mode, looking out for others, as being the responsible one, I rob them of the opportunity to make their own choices/mistakes.  I see realise and understand that I cannot, save/assist/help everyone.

I commit myself to place responsibility at my own feet, to embody self responsibility, so that I am able to completely take care of and look after myself, not disregarding others in anyway, but within this I commit myself to see/realise and understand that when I take care of myself and come from a place of self responsibility I will always do what is best for me/them/all.

I commit myself to look at the bigger picture, and see how sometimes when I am accountable for others and their mistakes, in a way to protect them, I am not only robbing them of a moment to discover themselves and who they are, I am infact trying to give myself some validation that I am a good person, a saviour of some sort.  I commit myself to see realise and understand how the words responsible and accountability are interchangeable, and when I live as a point of true accountability I will only be responsible for myself.

My redefinition of the word accountability and one I commit myself to live by:

Being responsible for oneself, in how one is in thought word and deed has an outflow, and within this being accountable is making sure that one always does what is best for all.